Thursday 31 January 2019 by Lucas Wilde

Wages to be recalculated based on how useful you will be after the apocalypse


man doing woodwork

Your value to the post-apocalyptic world will determine your wages from now on, according to reports this afternoon.

After finally realising that some people get paid millions of pounds for what can best be summed up as “dicking about”, the government will issue a new set of laws demanding that only those truly essential to human survival in a world of nuclear storms and desert sands will earn the big money.

“Have you seen how much Cristiano Ronaldo is on? It’s fucking mental,” confirmed government spokesperson, Simon Williams.

“What value is he truly going to bring to the apocalypse? Kick a ball at a motorcycle gang until they go away? Use his abs to grate the cheese that will no longer exist? Come on.

“Top-level CEOs can fuck off as well. Nobody is going to give a shit about Amazon when they’re trying their best to hit rats with a slingshot for food.”

While the upper echelons of sport, business and politics all reacted to the news negatively, there was celebration among the one or two people who still know how to do actual things.

“My new wage is 9 million a year,” beamed carpenter, Jay Cooper.

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