Home Secretary Sajid Javid joined a border patrol boat in the Channel yesterday, and successfully harpooned six individual migrants in the face.
Many observers are speculating that Mr Javid is positioning himself to replace Theresa May this year, and harpooning migrants in the face will certainly appeal to the sort of people whose vote he is courting.
“I’ve had a tremendous day, out with the hard-working men and women who patrol our borders,” said Mr Javid.
“By harpooning several migrants in the face, I like to feel that, in a small way, I’ve made the force’s job a little easier.
“And the added bonus is that it was enormous fun as well.”
Mr Javid then took the opportunity to detail his philosophy on migration.
He explained, “This is clearly a terribly dangerous journey that these people are making, and we need to do everything we can to stop them, so I think that harpooning migrants in the face could act as an important deterrent.”
He then went on to remind everyone that just because he was from a migrant family himself, doesn’t mean he doesn’t support strict migration controls, because he hadn’t done that for twenty minutes or so.
It is expected that in the coming weeks and months Mr Javid will continue to establish his Prime Ministerial credentials by calling all migrants ‘nobbers,’ speculating about sending them ‘back to where they came from,’ and instituting a comprehensive programme of a kick up the arse to anyone who couldn’t prove they were born in Britain.