Piers Morgan and people like him are having a complete meltdown over some pastry.
The group of entirely mentally sound men typically love nothing more than laughing at other people for being sensitive, gentle or considerate while branding them “snowflakes”.
However, that same self-styled group of presumably nails-hard bastards are having a bloody good cry about some pastry they don’t like this morning, as Greggs the baker announced it would be launching a vegan sausage roll.
“BLOODY ARGJHFKDMUEBEZKSBENKKKKK!!!” confirmed Simon Williams, with pork-flavoured tears rolling down his cheeks and off this third chin.
“How dare Greggs expand their menu to accommodate potential customers with a diet different from my own?! What the FUCK are they trying to do? Make money or something?
“They’re pandering to these carrot-loving snowflakes just because they have disposable income and the presence of this one additional food item – which I am under no obligation to purchase or consume – has really upset me,” continued Simon, with a tragic lack of self-awareness.
“It’s a disc race, and I’m losing.”
A Greggs spokesperson said, “I would be lying if I said we didn’t anticipate this level of controversy and free publicity. I think we can all agree that our marketing team have played an absolute blinder.
“That being said, if you’re a proper meat lover, then nobody should go anywhere near a ‘meat-based’ sausage roll.
“They’re very dense and are often 90% arsehole, much like the group of people complaining.
“Especially Piers Morgan.”