Britain is close to a return to normal bowel movements, according to reports across the nation this morning.
After a week of excessive consumption of alcohol, turkey, chocolate and meth, the average Briton will have seen their extended-sit-down trips to the toilet rocket upward to as many as eight a day.
“It was literally falling out of me,” confirmed an exhausted Simon Williams.
“I was like one of those toy pencils we used to have at school where you put a new lead in the top and the old one falls out the bottom. Except instead of lead it was Quality Street and turds.
“I guess this is just what happens when you go from 2500 calories a day to 7000 calories a day with very little warning. My body has literally shat itself with the shock. Either that, or it’s the sprouts.
“I think it’s nearly passed, though. It MUST have done, right? This simply can’t continue.
“If it carries on, either the toilet is going to pack in, or I will.”
Williams is not the only person looking forward to a return to normality.
Fellow citizen, Hayley Rice, said, “I normally just have a light salad for lunch, but on Christmas day I had a pound of turkey meat, seventeen roast potatoes, forty-eight pigs in blankets, twelve stuffing balls and a spoonful of veg. Then I had seconds.
“Since then I’ve been doing poos that weigh more than I do, which shouldn’t even be possible.
“They’ve basically stopped now, but I swear my toilet looks unhappy.”