DUP bloody loving opportunity to make threats and feel important

The DUP is secretly over the moon about the whole Northern Ireland backstop issue because it gives them a chance to do what they love best – throw their weight around and intimidate others.

Last night the DUP’s MPs abstained on a series of amendments to the finance bill. Though notionally designed to send a strong message to Theresa May, it was actually the most fun the DUP have had in ages.

“Threatening people and saying things like ‘or else’ is where we really come into our own,” said a visibly sweaty and excited Arlene Foster.

“This is the moment we’ve been waiting for since the general election.

“We pretend to defend Britishness and that our aim is to keep the United Kingdom together but really we just want to call the shots and bully people into doing what we want – which is to be allowed to bully people.

“To be honest, the whole fucking country can burn as long as people are looking at us and realise we have some power.”

It is reported that the Prime Minister received an anonymous phone call thirty minutes before last night’s vote telling her that there were ten DUP MP’s sitting in a parked car outside Parliament – rather than being in the House of Commons where the vote was taking place.

“I’m confident I can win over the DUP,” said Theresa May. “After all, they’re perfectly reasonable, rational people who would never jeopardise the future prosperity of the UK by being hot-headed and reckless.”

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