Donald Trump has decried the loss of the House of Representatives as fake news and has sent in troops to secure the chamber in his name.
Despite efforts to convince Americans that racism is brilliant and all Democrats are paedophiles, the Republicans lost control of the House during the course of a rancorous mid-term election.
However, Mr Trump has refused to accept the result and has sent in troops to Congress to secure the House in his name with instructions to fire on any senators who throw rocks.
“The fake news media are reporting that I have lost the House,” said the President at an early morning rally held to cheer Mr Trump up.
“This is lies. Bad lies. I won the mid-terms last night and everyone voted for me because I’m the best President there has ever been, lots of people are saying it.
“As such, I have ordered 5,000 troops into Congress to secure the House in my name.
“I hope that any Democrat mob, which, by the way, could contain some persons of middle-Eastern descent coming to kill ordinary Americans like you, would turn away and realise we don’t want them there.
“I don’t like violence, so I would hate it if these Democrats forced our troops to fire on them, folks. I really would.”
It is thought that to avoid any such confusion during the 2020 presidential election, Mr Trump plans to send troops in to all precincts to make sure that everyone votes Republican, just like they’re supposed to.
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