As Hallowe’en is Goth Christmas, their Santa is making last minute checks to ensure he only delivers presents to the naughty ones.
He has to check his list several times, as it is written on black paper in violet ink and is almost impossible to read.
Goth Santa, who lives with a gang of tiny, grumpy dark elves – or ‘Eldritches’ – just outside Leeds, spends the year making gifts like rubber spiders, fake cobwebs and stripey tights which he delivers to only the naughtiest of goths on that one magical, terrifying night of the year.
On Hallowe’en itself, he drives a magical sleigh drawn by nine flying black cats, and his cry of ‘On, Siouxsie, on Gahan! On, Reznor and Vanian! On, Burton and Gorey! On, Steele and Gaiman!’ is eagerly awaited by Goths around the world before they retire to bed, leaving him just a pint of Cider and Black and some Speed by the fireplace to help him get through the night.
Whatever the truth, both the drink and the speed have always vanished in the morning, although the fact that his sleigh is led by a magical cat with a shiny red nose is not believed to be a coincidence.
“Of course, some Goths have been nice and good all year, but we don’t talk about them,” said Goth Santa from the door of his workshop.
“The best gifts they can expect from me are things to punish them, like clothing in pastel shades, an early night and cat sick in their shoe.
“And if you’ve been very good, when you wake up in the morning your hair will be its natural colour.
“But if you’ve been properly naughty, well, look for a surprise in the 24-hole boots you’ve hung up on the mantelpiece before you went to bed.
“’twas the night before Hallowe’en, and all through the house, all the goths were all stirring until 3am as usual, the bastards”, he added.