Lidl to scatter groceries randomly over your floor while you’re out

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Discount supermarket chain Lidl is to compete with Waitrose’s unpacking service with its own delivery option.

Waitrose is trailing a service whereby delivery drivers let themselves into customers’ homes when they’re out and put the shopping away. Not to be outdone, Lidl has come up with its own unique version.

“Our service will very much reflect the values of the Lidl brand,” said spokesman Simon Williams.

“Rather than put things away in an orderly manner our specially trained drivers will drop your shopping around your house in a way that makes very little sense.

“Fruit and vegetables will be left on the toilet floor, bleach will be left in the kids’ bedroom, tins of beans will be deposited in the freezer – it’ll be almost impossible to find anything.

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“Customers will also have to wait up to three months for their orders to arrive just to replicate that wonderful massive queue experience that Lidl delivers so effortlessly.

“Additionally, a load of random crap that you wouldn’t even expect to find in a supermarket – including pub blackboards, large bags of compost and French horns – will be left in a line down the middle of your living room.”

If shoppers are worried about handing over the keys to their homes then they needn’t be.

“We’ve thought about that,” said Simon. “Lidl will initially be offering this service only to customers in areas where crime rates offer lucrative opportunities to partner with local burglars.

“Your home will be in a such a state when we’ve finished that you won’t have a clue what’s been delivered and what’s been nicked.

“You’ll be angry, frustrated and will probably have a bit of a cry – just like you would in one of our supermarkets.”