Donald Trump demands women have video, witnesses, and DNA evidence before reporting sexual assault

author avatar by 5 years ago
NewsThump Needs Your Help

Following concerns that women may be accusing men of sexual assault for no other reason than they have been sexually assaulted, President Trump has laid out a series of guidelines to protect the real victims – the accused men.

“You got these uppity broads coming forward and saying ‘he grabbed my whatever’ or ‘he touched me on my thing’ and the guy has to live with that,” said President Trump.

“We should be protecting these guys because, you know, everyone’s thinking about this crazy woman and no one is looking after the guy.”

In order to prevent the handful of cases a year of women falsely accusing men of sexual assault, Mr Trump has suggested that, unless the woman has video of the incident, witnesses and some form of DNA evidence then the case shouldn’t be considered.

“You know, in this day and age, I don’t think it’s too much to ask,” said the President.

“Most phones have cameras on, so it’s easy to make a video. These things seem to happen a lot at parties so there’s going to be other people who will see what’s going on, and DNA kits are available in most 7/11s.”

Mr Trump went on to say the requirements would be applied retroactively as well.

“Yeah so that, just to take an example, if a guy accidentally admitted grabbing some woman by the pussy then, unless she’s got the video, witness, and DNA, then we can all just forget that accusation and get on with our lives.”