‘Stick pins in immigrants’ feet and call them shits’ – PM unveils new border control plan

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Theresa May will today unveil a bold new Tory plan to be mean to foreigners at the Tory party conference.

The new border control plan will allow immigration because it’s a fact of economic life that immigration is required – but with measures to be horrible to all immigrants, it will seek to appease the racists, bigots and idiots who form an important part of the support withing the Tory Party.

“What is important is that I continue to cling to power against all the odds,” said Theresa May.

“One of my key tasks to do so is being as nasty to immigrants as possible.

“So, I hereby pledge that we will refer to all immigrants as ‘shits,’ stick pins in their feet, give them uncomfy shoes, arrange a once-weekly kick up the arse, and spoil the ending to Bodyguard for them.”

Supporters approved of the new plan.

“Well, obviously I’d rather have no immigrants at all, causing the collapse of the tourism and care industries,” said unemployed fish-wrangler and complete fucking idiot Simon Williams.

“But if they have to come over here and steal the jobs that no one else wants to do, then the very least we can do is stick pins in their feet and call them shits.”

Whilst Theresa May’s immigration stance was proving popular, potential leadership rival and terrible bastard Boris Johnson is rumoured to be plotting alternative plans to call immigrants ‘tossers’ and kick them all in the shins.

Something which could prove equally popular with the awful, awful people the Tories are hoping will vote for them.