Public reminded that primary goal of Brexit is preventing Tory party split

As the date on which Britain leaves the EU approaches, the public has been reminded that the primary goal of Brexit is not taking back control, greater sovereignty or less brown people, but is the prevention of a split in the Tory Party.

“I think it is important to manage expectations,” said Prime Minister Theresa May, after her traditional Monday sacrifice of a goat to her lord Beelzebub.

“There seems to be a misapprehension that the Brexit deal we are attempting will be of benefit to Britain, and the people who live here.

“Of course it won’t, it will turn Kent into a car park and cheese will become a luxury item only consumed on special occasions.

“I am doing my best to keep the Tory Party from splitting, so everything else comes a distant second to that aim.

Mrs May went on to outline the nightmare scenario of a Tory split.

She explained, “Well, if we split into two distinct parties then we’d never be able to achieve power again and we’d have to go out and get proper jobs like the plebs.

“I’ve seen people with proper jobs, and trust me, it looks ghastly. Having to use public transport and do spreadsheets. Awful.

“We’re Tory MPs, we’re just not up to doing anything useful.”

Despite the warning, however, it seems likely that Mrs May will achieve a Brexit deal, prevent a Tory Party split and remain in government, securing a healthy, happy, and prosperous future for 300 odd posh people in Westminster.