Labour will today announce that it has adopted a new definition of antisemitism that should keep its critics happy, while also allowing for its members to continue being antisemitic.
The party has been reluctant to adopt the internationally recognised definition of antisemitism as it would be in direct contradiction of the Labour policy of conflating Israel’s policy towards Palestine with Judaism as a whole.
“Yes, we could have just adopted the internationally recognised definition of antisemitism, that’s true,” said a Labour representative.
“But we also have quite a number of unpleasant and stupid people in the party who enjoy being profoundly antisemitic and then pretending that all they were doing is criticising the Israeli government and, apparently, we don’t want to upset them – because, you know, the votes and stuff.”
As such, the new Labour definition of antisemitism is as follows.
“The hostility to, prejudice, or discrimination against Jews except when you’re talking about Israel and then you’re allowed to make unpleasant Nazi comparisons, talk about ‘secret cabals who run everything’ and say that they’ve all got big noses.”
“It took us a while to get the wording to precisely where we wanted it, but we’re pretty pleased with it,” explained the Labour activist.
“It should keep everyone happy. Except the Jews, but you know what they’re like. They’ll moan at anything.”
Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has allegedly given his blessing to the new Labour definition of antisemitism.
“As long as I don’t have to bother doing anything about Labour antisemitism, then I’m all for it,” he confirmed.