House heads at Hogwarts are in disarray today after the Sorting Hat put every single new first year into Hufflepuff.
Hufflepuff, which is known as the spiritual home of the diligent underachiever, is usually the least popular house due to having the intellectual rigour of a bran muffin – but the hat was adamant in its selection and refused to reconsider any assignment.
Prefects in Gryffindor are especially unhappy, warning that without a new intake to their house to protect the school it is likely upwards of 40% of pupils will be devoured by trolls by the end of the first term.
However, some teachers pointed out that without any new Slytherins there’ll be nobody to conjure up the trolls in the first place, so it all balances out.
“Our entire school only works if a quarter of all children are evil and frankly a bit funny-looking,” said headmistress Minerva McGonagall.
“If every child is hard-working but a bit thick, then the entire system fails.
“Possibly, with hindsight, it was a mistake to put the entire selection process under the auspices of an enchanted hat rather than basing it on previous school reports and some sort of aptitude testing.
“Obviously sometimes there are borderline cases. What do you with a child who is hard-working, stupid, brave and a potential serial killer, for example? But every single one?
“Thanks to this the Quidditch Cup is going to be a one-sided affair this year, and we’re going to have to be really creative in awarding house points.”
When asked, the Sorting Hat said the whole system is wildly corrupt anyway.
“Every year they just make up a bunch of spurious reasons to give Gryffindor enough points to win the house cup. Every year.
“Let’s see how you justify that now,” it added with a laugh.