Most British people are living in objectively hideous places, according to a new study this afternoon.
Researchers found that a disturbing number of completely innocent individuals are living in dreadful places such as Middlesborough, Birmingham, Scunthorpe, Slough and Kettering.
“Actually Kettering isn’t that bad, it’s just boring,” confirmed sociologist, Jay Cooper.
“But almost everyone in the UK seems to live in a shithole, is aware they live in a shithole, and doesn’t seem too bothered about leaving – probably because they know they’ll just end up in another shithole, like Coventry.
“The non-shitholes are prohibitively expensive for most people and, besides which, the kind of people who live there are so thoroughly rich and awful that it makes living there fucking horrible anyway despite the relatively attractive surroundings.
“The shitholes might be shit, but at least a posh old lady next door won’t pop round the minute you’ve moved in to tell you ‘everyone around here likes things just the way they are’ in a passive-aggressive fashion.”
Simon Williams, from Reading, said, “Yes, Reading is a shithole.
“I could move, but I need access to the M4 and I’m not a millionaire who can afford to live in Marlow Bottom or Caversham, so it’s either here or Slough. I’m staying put, thank you very much.”