RUFF-RAH! Yes, it’s me, Boris Johnson, the next Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, once this Brexit mess that I helped create is out of the way.
This is my guide to the perfect teatray, a fantastic way of looking British and jolly charming while skilfully avoiding the provision of answers to any actual namby-pamby questions such as “are you trying to curry favour with racists?”
So, here we go, belt up:
1. Tray Choice
Tory blue, obviously, but make it a cheap, plastic one. You’re showing off to journalists who are broadcasting to scum, not the Earl of Windsor. You want something that makes simpletons shriek “we’ve got one of those in the cupboard!” and then think that somehow this fact makes you a genuine candidate for Prime Minister.
The proles do not have uniformly matching mugs from Harrods like civilised people, so send your whipping boy out to the nearest charity shop to get an assortment of tat. Make sure he haggles for the best deal. Bonus points if you can find a mini-eggs mug, as every commoner has one. They might then think that you understand them and their plight about bins not being emptied daily, or whatever.
Obviously one typically serves sugar from a porcelain bowl given by the Turkish ambassador, but that simply won’t do here. Get yourself a big bag of Tate & Lyle cane sugar and just leave it open on the tray. I know it sounds GHASTLY, but apparently, that’s how Johnny Public does it, so suck it up this once, old chap.
Again, no jug. Straight from the bottle like an animal. Make sure it’s a bottle that the public could feasibly purchase, not a pint of swan milk.
5. Service and attire
Regrettably, you can’t send the boy out to do this one, you’ll be doing it yourself. Make sure to stretch and warm up before lifting the tray. You can forget about the morning suit too. You’ll need to dress how I assume commoners always dress; a bizarre combo of Hawaiian shorts and a rugby top. Make sure your hair looks shit.
And there you have it, before you know it you’ll have yourself a PR success that could well propel you to Downing Street. Good luck!