Kasper and Peter Schmeichel have returned home to the Island of Schmeichel.
The island has been producing quality goalkeepers with the surname Schmeichel for the last ten thousand years thanks to the powers bestowed by a mysterious, hand-shaped volcano.
“Kasper has done us proud,” confirmed 105-year-old Papa Schmeichel, Head of the Schmeichels and grandfather of Peter Schmeichel.
“He saved three penalties. He has fulfilled the prophecy. The fact the rest of his team were dogshit is irrelevant.
“Someday, Kasper’s son, Max Schmeichel, will take up the sacred tribal gloves that offer +5 agility and +10 stamina and also have the special padding to make sure the ball doesn’t hurt our dainty hands.
“His daughter might fancy a go at football as well, in which case we’ll get her a pair of gloves from Sports Direct.
“But for now, we will celebrate Kasper’s achievement the way the Schmeichels always have; by eating a terrifying amount of cheese and getting shitfaced on premium Danish lager.
“No, not Carlsberg Export. We hate that, and those adverts were lying to you.”