Lords of the un-dead suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder will peak today, as vampires everywhere endure the shortest day of their year.
With exposure to moonlight limited to as little as three or four hours across large parts of the country, many vampires have admitted to feeling extremely low, with mental health issues affecting as many as 50% of all vampires during the long summer days.
With opportunities for hunting and bloodsucking so severely restricted, many have also found themselves malnourished.
“I hate this time of year,” Vampire spokesghoul Count Simonov Williamsovitch told us.
“You have to stay in bed all day while it’s so horrible and bright out, and when you eventually get the chance to catch some moon rays all the bloody humans are tucked up in bed.
“I feel sorry for them, having to spend their days outside in all that sunlight – it must be agony.
“As I tell myself every year, this is just a phase. I feel like shit now, but it’s seasonal, and come winter I’ll be back to 18-hour nights, my skin covered in the moonlight, and more snacks on every corner than I could possibly hope for.”
Sales of moon lamps have been particularly strong this summer, as vampires seek to keep their vitamin D levels high whilst sleeping in their coffins.
Williamsovitch went on, “Yeah, they help a bit, but it’s no substitute for the real thing.
“Plus you can’t help but feel like a bit of a twat shining that thing on your face when you’re supposed to be the prince of darkness.”