Man who lied to impress wealthy client definitely NOT lying to impress Parliamentary Committee

author avatar by 6 years ago

Cambridge Analytica’s Alexander Nix has told a committee of MPs the exact truth today, it has emerged.

Nix, who insists he’s just the work experience kid at Cambridge Analytica, told the MPs tasked with quizzing him that they were all exceptionally beautiful, even more so than a bunch of semi-naked Ukrainian girls.

When asked to reveal the full extent of its use of Facebook-sourced data, Nix said he’d love to, but at that precise moment, there was a sniper targeting his forehead with one of those laser-guided rifle things like you see on The Wire.

Nix also denied being called Alexander Nix, insisting his real name is Yolanda Squatpump-Freshquim Tartartar, and that despite appearances, he is, in fact, a 94-year-old Nigerian grandmother with an allergy to molluscs, tarragon and Jonathan Meades.

In any case, Nix continued, all the Facebook data he never looked at had been deleted using an anti-matter hard-drive, as yet unacknowledged by mainstream science, but which he’d knocked up using a downloaded pdf file and some spare parts from a 1996 Beko fridge-freezer.

Committee Chairman, Simon Williams, said, “We recalled Mr Nix due to serious inconsistencies between the cockwomble’s original testimony and verifiable facts as they exist in the world.”

Nix replied, “I accept some of my answers could have been clearer, but English is only my second language. My mother tongue is a rare Nigerian dialect known only to a handful of my people and David Fucking Attenborough.

“Did I say Nigeria? I meant Burkina Faso.”

Nix then went on to blame much of the controversy on pink-haired whistleblower, Mr Wylie, whom he described as “bitter and jealous” since resigning as the frontman of The Mighty Wah!

He added, “It’s all true. Cross my heart”