New diversity employment laws mean companies now required to employ goths

author avatar by 6 years ago

Every company with more than 20 employees must hire a Goth by 2021 under new diversity legislation.

The ruling, set to be introduced in a raft of legislation this Autumn, means that companies will have to make provision for pleasantly dark corners and pints of cider and black at all staff events, as well as ensuring other employees undergo Andrew Eldritch awareness and sensitivity training.

Employers groups are understood to be considering a legal challenge to the law, after fears that the faint scent of patchouli oil and having to listen to Bloody Kisses on rotation might undermine existing corporate culture.

“We’re just not sure how this will work in companies such as ours,” said Megabank HR Officer Simon Williams.

“Our trading floor is a hectic place and often very noisy, but the law now says we have to ensure that it’s an environment where people can bring their cats, and we have to set aside a special room just with posters of Pete Steele where they can go five times a day for completely unspecified reasons.

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“We could maybe come round to that, but we really don’t think that everyone being off their tits on Ketamine will help when negotiating a major takeover deal or arranging an initial public offering. It’s cocaine or nothing in our office, believe you me.

“Really, this is the thin end of the wedge. If this goes through then we’ll have to employ shoegazers next, and having to listen to My Bloody Valentine is a fast route to bankruptcy.”