Wayne Rooney has proven himself a selfless hero once more.
The footballer was “deeply saddened” to hear that around 450,000 women aged 68-71 had not received their letters from the NHS inviting them to a final routine breast cancer screening.
“Wayne has a long history of providing personal and intimate services to the elderly,” confirmed Rooney’s agent, Simon Williams.
“He heard this story and his heart melted, although his penis did quite the opposite.
“He would be more than happy to invite this veritable army of grannies to his house where he will give them a damn good screening.
“Hmm – what’s that? No, he doesn’t have any kind of medical equipment or training. Why would that be important?”
Hayley Rice, 71, said, “Oh, what a nice young man that Wayne is. Such a lovely boy.
“I’d have had to wait four weeks to have a scan at my hospital but I asked Wayne if he could fit me in sooner, to which he said “heh, heh, I think it will be you fitting me in”, which I didn’t understand but laughed anyway. I didn’t want to look silly.
“He didn’t even want to be paid for helping us, and actually said that really he should be paying us. He’s such a generous young man when it comes to helping us old ladies.
“I asked if he could see me tomorrow and he said he was ‘well up for it’, which is just the kind of enthusiasm you simply don’t get from the NHS these days.”