Facebook dating app to match people based on their secret prejudices

author avatar by 6 years ago

Facebook’s new dating app will match you with someone who secretly hates all the things you do.

With Facebook’s algorithms recently shown to know you better than your own mother, the social network is confident it can find someone out there willing to have sex with you while also agreeing entirely with your stance on economic migrants.

A Facebook developer told us, “With the number of memes shared on our platform now at an all-time high, we are confident we can put you together with someone who also believes what they read in pictures on the Internet.

“We know that people are currently a little concerned with how much we know about them, but we’re confident those concerns will drift into insignificance as soon as people learn we can help them get laid.

“If you think that there is no-one out there who also thinks Morrissey is a genius, Kanye should be president, immigrants should go home and Rees-Mogg should be the prime minister – then let me assure you that they not only exist, but judging by their most recent holiday photos they also can’t afford to be repulsed at the sight of you in your speedos.”

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“Trust us, all those years of oversharing are about to pay off – big time.”

However, not all Facebook users were excited by the announcement.

Simon Williams told us, “Facebook is going to have to do a stellar job on their dating app for me to forget how they’ve enabled the fake news industry to manipulate western democracy.

“But I’ll be honest, a blow job would be a great start.”