Bombing Syria ultimately means fewer of them in the queue at Tesco.
That was the conclusion of the Conservative government today after a rigorous and typically heartless cost/benefit analysis of the conflict.
“More bombs equals fewer people. That much is obvious and actually quite reassuring,” said Tory spokesperson, Simon Williams.
“Obviously we don’t want to kill people but we’d rather kill them than spend money taking care of them. That’s been our raison d’etre for centuries.
“The biggest concern out of all of this is the idea of grubby foreign types coming over here and making the place look untidy.
“Nobody wants that, nor those ghastly photos in the paper of dozens of them packed into a rubber dinghy. That put me right off my breakfast bagel last time.”
“So the best thing for everybody – and by ‘everybody’, I mean ‘us’- is to bomb the shit out of them until there are none left to stagger over here.
“We’ve had a glance at The Daily Mail, from which we’ve concluded this is also what the people would want.”