Donald Trump would have saved the Titanic by kicking the shit out of that iceberg.
The heroic draft-dodger made the announcement shortly after declaring he would run into a school to confront a shooter, regardless of whether or not Trump had a gun at the time.
“Those sailors were cowards, folks,” confirmed President Trump.
“Let me tell you something, if I was on that big boat that night, I’d have leapt straight into the water and got that damn iceberg out of the way, with or without a hairdryer.
“I’d have pounded away on that frozen bastard with my tiny fists until it disintegrated.
“I’d have made sure those poor souls got from England to wherever it is the Titanic was going, which we’ll never know because the ship never made it. Sad.”
A descendant of one of those killed on the Titanic, Simon Williams, said, “I am absolutely in favour of the President jumping into some water while carrying a plugged-in hairdryer.
“Equally, I would encourage him to sprint at a madman with a gun.
“Either of those works for me, although I still retain my doubts that he has ever swam or sprinted anywhere that wasn’t offering either a buffet or some prostitutes in need of a piss.”