Julian Assange planning romantic Valentine’s dinner with his right hand

Global freedom-fighter Julian Assange is to have a candlelit dinner in his cupboard with the love of his life, Julian Assange.

Assange has been planning the special evening for weeks, and is understood to have asked cleaning staff at the Ecuadorian embassy to move the mops to give him a bit more space in case things get ‘frisky’.

Embassy staff said they were also planning to take the evening off and go out so Julian and his date could have a ‘bit of peace and quiet’, and also so they didn’t have to listen to all the banging and shouting that usually accompanies such events.

“To make it that bit more special I’ll put my hand in some ice before we start so it feels like someone else is holding the knife,” Julian shouted to passers-by outside his window in the hope some of them might be reporters.

“And I’m confident that things will progress later in the evening, as it’s not like my date can just walk out of here is it now?” he added.

When asked how he could be so sure his hand would put out, Assange said that he was planning to get it drunk and anyway – not taking no for an answer is how come he’s hiding in the building in the first place.