An outbreak of the norovirus in the host city of the 2018 Winter Olympics has seen most existing sprinting records broken, according to reports.
A number of security guards at the Pyeongchang site have been struck down by the deeply unpleasant illness, causing them to set some new world records for sprinting that would make even Usain Bolt jealous.
One member of staff, Simon Jun-Williams told us, “I was in the cafeteria when I suddenly felt my innards coil and spin like a drunk ice-skater attempting one of those triple-toe-loop things.
“I was at least 100m from the toilet but I reckon I must have made it in around 8 seconds before diving into the cubicle and emptying my insides from both ends like a burst rusty water pipe.”
Another security guard, Christopher James-Woo, faced a tougher challenge with a 5000m urgent jog to the toilets.
“I had to really pace myself,” he explained.
“If I ran too fast, my body would not have been able to contain that which I was desperately holding in. But if I was too slow I would not have made it in time and would have ended up doing a Paula Ratcliffe and squatting in shame halfway along the course. But fortunately, I made just made it.”
It has since emerged that as the records were broken at the Winter Olympics and sprinting is a summer event, none of the records will officially stand but the individuals involved are welcome to try and qualify for the 2020 summer games if they can face the thought of it.