Tube now loud enough to prevent other passengers talking to you

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Transport For London has announced they’ve finally managed to get the Underground loud enough to drown out anyone trying to talk to you.

For years, customers of London Underground have complained about the noise of people trying to talk to them, prompting a huge, multi-million-pound project to ensure there’s no point opening your trap anywhere at all on the network.

“We understood passengers were concerned about their hearing”, said chief acoustic engineer Simon Williams.

“Specifically, hearing that weirdo who sat next to you and tried to start a conversation when there’s an entire carriage of empty seats they could have used.

“Thanks to new decibel-buffering technology, we can ensure the train currently in motion completely drowns out whatever they’re trying to talk to you about. How they like your style, or whether you’ve had a good night.

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“You won’t be able to hear a dicky bird above the din of our locomotives.”

TFL went on to reassure passengers that if they ride the underground for long enough they’ll go deaf.

“Then you won’t be able to hear anyone trying to strike up a conversation with you anywhere in London. The pub, the street, on the bus,” we were told.

“You’ll finally be safe.”