Hardest bloke in the pub spotted buying moisturiser

author avatar by 6 years ago

A man you wouldn’t dare look at directly in the eye has been caught with some skincare products.

Jay Cooper, 41, has been last-man-standing in 38 out of 43 bar brawls at The Rotten Apple and only ‘lost’ the other five because he was on holiday at the time.

“It’s a dreadful pit of ugly violence, but the pints are quite cheap so that makes it all absolutely fine,” confirmed fellow regular, Simon Williams.

“Jay is usually the first to leap into the fray and headbutt absolutely everyone for the most innocuous perceived ‘slight’ on his part.

“So as you can imagine, it was a bit of a surprise to see him in Tesco with a basket full of anti-ageing cream containing something called revitalising enzymes.

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“This is the man who once glassed me for laughing at the wrong point in a story he was telling. We’ve remained firm friends ever since, but only because that’s how friendships between emotionally damaged males work.

“I thought at first that maybe the creams were for his wife, but they were all definitely men’s products – and anyway his wife left him four years ago for someone slightly less terrifying.”

We confronted about his shopping habits, Jay Cooper told us, “What the fuck are you looking at?

“Look, I take care of myself with my fists, and I take care of my fists with this delightful tube of Bliss for Men, designed for sensitive skin like mine.

“And if you tell anybody, I’ll rip your bollocks clean off.”

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