Government pledges to end loneliness by banning Morrissey

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Curiously-opinioned pop warbler Morrissey is to be banned under government plans to tackle loneliness.

The whiney-voiced daffodil worrier is top of a hit list to tackle social drawn up by the newly appointed loneliness minister, along with liking Stewart Lee’s standup routine.

Under plans seem by NewsThump, Morrissey will only be allowed to perform if he doubles the tempo of his songs and breathes some helium first, to liven things up a bit.

“It’s vital to reach people who feel isolated and lonely, and we plan to do that by coming round and hitting their Smiths collection with a hammer until they agree to get some friends,” loneliness tsar Simon Williams said.

Research shows that exposure to Morrissey can lead to immediate and long-lasting loneliness, writing poetry, and walking with an odd, swaying, look at me step that you hope will make a girl fancy you.

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”Which she won’t,” we were told. “She’ll fancy someone who is a bit less of a twat, frankly.”