Theresa May takes credit for chimps evolving into humans

author avatar by 6 years ago

Following news that Theresa May has taken credit for an EU directive to ban credit card charges, she has now made the claim that the evolution of chimps into humans happened as a direct result of Tory government policy.

She made the claim in a speech yesterday after reaching the not unreasonable conclusion that people would now believe any old rubbish she told them.

“Not only has my government changed passports back to the classic blue colour and banned credit card charges,” said the seemingly lucid Mrs May.

“But it was as a direct result of Tory government policy that chimps were given the freedom to evolve into humans.

“As science is currently unable to place an exact date when the evolution of chimps into humans took place, it is not unreasonable to assume that it was at some point during the 1980s under the guidance of Margaret Thatcher and a Tory government, obviously.

“I would imagine that chimps saw our commitment to social mobility and were inspired to stop living up trees and interfering with themselves, and evolve into humans to do a fair days work for a fair days pay.”

Evolution experts have taken issue with Mrs May’s claims, but nobody is paying attention to the educated perspective on the matter because who listens to experts these days.

Should Mrs May get away with this claim it is expected that she will go on to claim credit for the sky being blue, the expansion of the universe and Liverpool’s thrilling attack play.