Workers across Britain are today celebrating ‘Fat Cat Thursday’ – the point at which top UK bosses have already earned the average salary – by accepting the same bullshit that they do every day like good little boys and girls.
It can take a top executive just three days to earn the UK average salary of around £27,600 and today marks the day that many bosses have already trousered that amount this calendar year.
Modern serf, Simon Williams plans to celebrate by guzzling down even more of the lukewarm and lumpy grool that the corporate machine pumps into his willing throat on a daily basis.
“I am absolutely thrilled for my boss, who has already earned more than I will all year and by the end of the year will have earned more than I can possibly hope for in a lifetime,” he said.
“I wouldn’t say we are close – in fact, we have never been in the same room – but I am pleased for him to take home millions every year.
“I may have to decide between staying warm and eating food towards the end of a month, but that’s because I earn what I am worth as a person, which is very little because I understand that I am worthless, expendable scum.
“Anyone could do my job, so although my travel and living costs consistently rise and my wages don’t, I continue to be grateful to our leader, who does a job no mortal being could possibly manage.”
CEOs have been quick to reject allegations that the disparity between their pay and that of their workers is unfair.
“Of course I deserve it,” a statement from NewsThump’s CEO read.
“Admittedly this afternoon is the first time I’ve been into the office this year, but I’ve had important lunch meetings since I got back from my annual Caribbean holiday.
“If it wasn’t for the work I’ve put in the past 3 days, the minimum wage cleaners that scrape my skidmarks off the golden executive bathroom wouldn’t even have a job.
“Pushing the business forward with my innovative ideas and strategies, formed over fully-expensed Michelin star food, affords my receptionists the privilege of working in London and gaining invaluable life experience of trying to survive in a toilet studio flat in zone 6.
“It’s a true reflection of the character of my staff that they unquestioningly continue to show up and do as they’re told in these times of austerity, which affect us all.
“I’ve had to change my yacht order to the modest 6 bedroom mega-yacht instead of the 8-bed I had my heart set on, so we are all making sacrifices.”