Gym workers across the country have been referring to their first aid manuals ‘just in case’ following a deluge of new out-of-shape members at the start of this month.
With tens of thousands of new members convinced this is the year they’ll finally get fit, hundreds of gym workers are struggling to remember how you resuscitate someone who has stopped breathing.
Gym worker Simon Williams told us, “They’re all the same, they come in clothed in brand new gear a size too small because it’s ‘aspirational’, then they throw themselves into an activity with poor technique while taking their heart-rate to a level normally seen only among amphetamine addicts.
“It doesn’t matter how many times you tell them to take it easy, or that 30 minutes of easy exercise is better than 5 minutes trying to pummel their heart into submission, they just want to go at everything 110% in the mistaken understanding that they can have a six-pack by next Wednesday.
“We obviously have to do first-aid training, but really, how often do you have to resuscitate someone? It’s mostly pulled muscles or twisted joints. A bloke dislocated his shoulder once, and that was exciting – but watching these people is just horrific. Why didn’t I pay more attention to the CPR lessons?
However, he explained that his colleagues aren’t all as wary as he is.
He went on, “Dave is pretty new here, and ever since the new year members started arriving he’s been eyeing up the defibrillator like a hungry child.
“There’s a bloke on the cross-trainer right now who looks like he’s spent the last twenty years eating nothing but roast dinners, so Dave’s chances are looking pretty good.”