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Emergency service providers throughout the UK have urged households to ‘prepare for an all-out methane attack’, as dads across the nation begin their last few days of training ahead of the untold evil of Boxing Day’s evacuation of Christmas Dinner.
With the gluttony season approaching its grotesque peak, excitement is rife within the dad camp of just how much poo one can be yielded from a single day’s gourmandism, with several dads keen to ‘unleash hell’ until even the dog leaves the house in disgust.
One walking shit bomb, Simon Williams of Nottingham, talked up his chances of producing ‘something so beautifully vast that it becomes nigh on unflushable’ on the day of the dump.
“My planning for this once-a-year spectacle has been meticulous,” enthused Williams.
“I’m going to begin with a slab of ham garnished with gammon and eggs for breakfast… all washed down with a celebratory morning ale or three, to get me guts ready for the devastation of Christmas Dinner.
“Then I will follow that with a day of sedentary inertia, Twiglets, canapés, the kids’ selection boxes and a few more pints – which should see me through to the piles of turkey, veg and pudding I’ll be gorging upon until I’m at bursting point.
“And at 10am Boxing Day morning… I will be primed and ready to unleash hell.”
Despite Williams’s wife Clara taking the recommended measures of installing an industrial extractor fan and issuing the kids with gas masks and whistles, she admits to depending on ‘divine intervention’ in order to survive the attack.
