Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh are terrible gift ideas for a baby, insist midwives

Despite the shining example of generosity depicted in the Bible, midwives have today issued advice against giving newborn babies exquisite yet practically useless gifts for Christmas.

In her hospital’s festive newsletter, midwife Eleanor Gay explained, “According to the Bible, the so-called ‘wise’ men thought it prudent to present Mary and Joseph with gold, frankincense and myrrh to mark the birth of their child, which coincidentally was also Christmas.

“Two of those three gifts are perfumes, for a start, which is not a lot of use for a newborn baby with delicate lungs and who may be prone to eczema. Yes, babies smell sometimes, but most parents just tend to pick up some Glade from the pound shop and that solves the issue.”

She went on, “Giving gold is OK, I suppose, but the recipient then has to find someone who is willing to buy it for cash, which takes time and effort that sleep-deprived parents rarely have the energy for.

“So if you are looking to buy something useful, we would recommend maybe some nappies, Sudocrem, some wipes or a perhaps a teething ring.”

Prospective ‘Cool Uncle’, Simon Williams, explained that he had read the tales of biblical gifts for a newborn, but having chosen a similar gift, brought up to modern standards, he had not received quite the thanks he had expected.

He explained, “I googled frankincense, and it’s basically aftershave. So I bought my new nephew a bottle of Paco Rabanne. But apparently, this makes me a ‘f*cking idiot’.

“I don’t remember Mary saying that to her wise men.”

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