‘I have a Diet Coke with each of my twelve meals per day, why can’t I lose weight?’ Trump asks Coca-Cola

A mystified Donald Trump has asked Coca-Cola to explain why he is not losing weight despite drinking up to twelve cans of Diet Coke every day.

A New York Times profile of the President, based on interviews with sixty people close to him, has revealed that in addition to drinking a fortnight’s worth of Diet Coke every day, Donald Trump also enjoys fast food and steak on a regular basis.

The daft orange blimp denied that his love of fast food had anything to do with his weight telling White House reporters, “It is a hard job, watching TV for eight hours every day, and I need fuel to give me the stamina to get through it all.

“I admit that I might have as many as twelve meals every day, but a Happy Meal doesn’t count as a proper meal any more than a happy ending counts as infidelity. It is just a little something to fuel my hate-watching of CNN.”

He went on, “So I drink Diet Coke to balance out the calories from all the processed meat and chips. In fact, I drink so much it should make me lose weight, bigly. Coca-Cola, what are you playing at? SAD!”

Coca-Cola spokesperson Simon Williams responded by saying, “We are sorry to hear that the President is unhappy with our product, and even unhappier that he is associating himself with us at all.

“Even a five-year-old knows that isn’t how Diet Coke works. Perhaps the President might consider taking up a sport. Not golf though – we mean a real sport.”

Advertisement

NewsThumpNotebooks

Somewhere to write down everything that’s wrong with the world. You may need several.

See the full collection →