by 
Theresa May is currently looking for the receipts for the DUP votes she bought after claiming that the votes she bought aren’t working as promised.
In a statement to the press, May stated the reason for trying to get a refund is that the votes don’t seem to always work when required, such as needing them to back up the recent Brexit deal as well as help refuse an NHS pay increase.
“We paid £1B in good faith for votes which should have supported us unconditionally,” May commented to reporters regarding the recent situation in which the DUP had refused to back her.
“Unfortunately, these votes only work sometimes, with no way of telling when they’ll fail – and they have done so at a pretty critical juncture while we are trying not to make a complete balls-up of Brexit.
“We can only assume that the votes we bought are faulty, and so we are seeking a refund for them. I know £1B isn’t much money, but every little helps in times like this.”
In response to the prime minister, a DUP spokesman stated that any votes bought only had a 14-day warranty and that additional maintenance and support for the votes would cost extra.
They added, “Of course, that’s only if you can find the receipt. So you had better keep looking Theresa.”
An aide at Number 10 told us, “It’s currently bedlam here; all of the drawers are empty and she’s currently got Philip looking down the backs of all of the chairs and sofas.
“No receipt as yet, but they did find a heavily-soiled copy of Pig Farmers Weekly under one of the mattresses.”
