Magic Money Tree continues to yield fruit exclusively for shit ideas

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The Magic Money Tree continues to bear fruit as Britain has offered up to 50bn Euros to settle their Brexit bill.

The bumper crop of money from the tree is seen a bonus to the ailing government which before today had pleaded poverty whenever it has been asked to put its hand in its pockets.

The government, which suggested that throwing NHS nurses an extra quid a week simply wasn’t feasible and that there wasn’t a “magic money tree” in the first place, has since visited that same tree to secure funding for a range of ideas, including:

  • £1billion for DUP votes to secure their fragile majority
  • £20 million for security for a royal knees-up,
  • 50 billion Euros plucked from its branches to fund a bureaucratic shitstorm that nobody wants

“It truly is a most fickle tree,” confirmed Tory spokesperson, Simon Williams.

“It seems to only bear fruit when we ask it for dosh to further our own political interests, or to fund ideas that are demonstrably unworkable and hated by the majority of voters.

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“When we asked it for money for nurses, improved public transport or just to help out the poor, it laughed and withdrew it’s branches into itself; much the same way in which my testicles jump up inside my body whenever I bump into Michael Gove.

“You might say it’s our own fault for buying Evil Money Tree seeds as opposed to Morally Neutral Money Tree Seeds, but that’s what happens when you send Boris to the garden centre.

“Well, that and several complaints of sexual harassment from female Homebase staff.