‘I’m sure the PM just misses me’ grasps Priti Patel

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Priti Patel has been ordered back to the UK immediately because Theresa May misses her company, she reckons.

Following reports of unauthorised meetings between the international development secretary and Israeli PM Benjamin Netanyahu, Ms Patel has had her travel itinerary trashed and replaced by the single item of “get the fuck home now”.

“It’s fine, Theresa is probably just lonely again,” stammered a noticeably panicked Pritel.

“Her and I get along famously, we really do. Only last week, we were in the same room together for nearly twenty minutes.

“She wants me back home so she can feel that sense of friendship and camaraderie. Yes, she does. That’s the reason. Do you have any sedatives? I’d like a sedative.”

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A spokesperson for Number 10 said, “Oh yes, we’re rolling out the welcome wagon for the international development secretary alright.

“Of course, by ‘welcome wagon’ I mean ‘P45’ and by ‘International Development Secretary’ I mean ‘near-future columnist for The Telegraph’.”

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