Bank of England announces sharp rise in tedious mortgage conversations

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Bank of England governor Mark Carney has today announced a sharp rise in the number of tedious conversations about mortgages.

With interest rates rising 0.25% to 0.5%, tedious mortgage-based conversations are expected to rise sharply across the country.

Carney explained, “There are people out there today who have never been subjected to an hour-long tale of one couple’s tiresome hunt to find a reasonable capital repayment mortgage.

“They seem to think that mortgage-free conversations are the ‘norm’, and I’m warning those people today that this is not the case. At all.

“By the end of the year, we could see soul-destroyingly boring conversations about massive financial products possibly doubling, and reaching a level four times what they are today by mid-2018.

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“People need to prepare for that, and if that means saving up a few humorous anecdotes of your own to counteract the effects of a mortgage conversation rise, then so be it.”

Home-owner Simon Williams said he wasn’t sure he could handle the sharp rise in tedious conversations announced by the Bank of England.

He told us, “I remember back in the nineties when mortgage conversations were held at ten times the rate that they are today. It was horrific.

“You literally couldn’t buy a loaf of bread without someone explaining to you about their fruitless search for a two-year fixed-term rate that wasn’t at least a couple of digits above base rate.

“It makes me weep just to think about that those horrific days could be coming back when we thought they were behind us forever.

“God help us all.”