PM prepares for ‘No deal’ Brexit by stockpiling candles and picking out Parliamentary cave

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Alleged Prime Minister Theresa May has drawn up plans for a ‘No Deal’ Brexit that include the stockpiling of candles and picking out the best cave in the country for Parliament.

The plans would aid with the orderly transition of a civilised society to a wild country of toothless barbarians living in caves and not shaving properly.

“The key in such an event is retaining authority,” said a spokesperson for Theresa May.

“As such, the stockpiling of candles would allow us to show our mastery of fire and making sure we have the best cave in the country would allow us to demonstrate the sort of strong and stable leadership necessary for a calm and sensible transition to a healthy stone-age society.”

It is understood that the plans will contain a new implementation of local Government in which the representative for each tribe will be decided by who has the biggest club, and any dispute will be resolved by the parties involved hitting each other with their club until one falls over.

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It is based on the system of local Government currently used in Wales.

Whilst it is thought a ‘No deal’ Brexit and subsequent return to a stone-age Britain is unlikely, people are advised to prepare for such an event by brushing up on their skinning and tanning skills and be prepared to sacrifice the cat to the Old Gods for protection.