The beatings will continue until you like being Spanish, Catalonia told

The Spanish government has today confirmed that Catalan people will be encouraged to love being Spanish more through the administration of regular beatings.

Speaking over footage of a pensioner screaming as armoured police assaulted her, Prime Minister Rajoy suggested that this would help Catalonia rebrand as an adventure destination for danger-seekers to help boost their tourist industry.

“It’s the three S’s,” he added. “Sun, sea and suppression.”

Rajoy went on to say that the best use for a ballot he could think of in the region was for participation in the forthcoming Hunger Games.

“I am mystified by the negative response to footage of armoured paramilitary police setting about unarmed civilians,” he told us.

“Everyone knows that the best way to bring someone round to your point of view is with the liberal application of a nightstick and tear gas.

“We’ll beat the Spanish into you, and sooner or later you’ll thank us for it.”

Responding to events, a spokesman for the EU said that shouting at people who are unhappy and then sending in the riot police was consistent with European values and they saw no need to intervene in an internal matter.