Theresa May arrives in Japan with three-wheeled van full of ‘lovely jubbly’ British goods

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‘Prime’ Minister Theresa May has touched down in Japan with a three-wheeled van full of British goods best described as ‘lovely jubbly’ and the determination to secure a ‘blinding’ trade deal.

Greeting the Prime Minister of Japan with a cheery – ‘Bonjour,’ she went on to assure him that ‘Shinzō is my most favourite name.’

Mrs May then began unloading the van and producing a variety of goods that she insisted were not ‘hooky’.

“The trade talks with Japan are vital for Britain’s post-Brexit economic health,” revealed Simon Williams, professor of legitimate buying and selling at Oxford University.

“As such, I think that Mrs May will be unlikely to return without a deal that could, at least, be described as ‘cushti’.”

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It is understood that the three-wheeled van contains some genuine Peckham Springs mineral water, a box of fire-damaged fire alarms and a load of wind-up toy cats that play ‘how much is that doggy in the window’.

“I understand that Chancellor Phillip Hammond wanted to secure a higher profile, long-term, multi-billion dollar trade deal,” continued Professor Williams.

“But Mrs May called him a ‘wally’ and a ‘plonker’ and sent him down the market to knock out a load of genuine Icelandic tomatoes.”

Regardless of the outcome of the trade talks, Mrs May has sought to reassure that British public in the wake of Brexit with a statement promising that ‘this time next year, we’ll be millionaires’.