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Liberal Democrat leader Vince Cable says his party is still committed to legalising cannabis, leading observers to assume he must be royally off his tits to even think his party remains relevant.
Cable told reporters that it made sense to legalise cannabis, as it would allow them to regulate and control the market, adding that his party was perfectly placed to help make that happen.
As one reporter told us, “He didn’t burst into a fit of giggles at that last bit. Not even a smirk. He seemed to earnestly believe it, rather than find the whole idea of the Lib Dems achieving anything to be incredibly funny – like any normal person would if they were that high.
“To be fair, even people who are incredibly high often come up with really good ideas; they just don’t realise they haven’t got a hope in hell of making them happen – much like poor old Vince today.
“I don’t imagine he’s much of a smoker, but I strongly suspect that briefcase of his must be choc full of ‘special’ brownies.
“Plus I’ve never seen a politician end an interview with a request for a Pot Noodle.”
Anti-drug campaigners have welcomed Cable’s statement, saying nothing could illustrate the harm drugs can do to the human brain better than him standing there thinking the Lib Dems still matter.
Simon Williams told us, “Look at him, tanked up to the eyeballs on the devil’s lettuce, stood all proud while genuinely thinking people are listening to him. This is what drugs can do to you.
“Take a long hard look at him kids, it’s just not worth it. Not even once.”
