Theresa May offers to perform Northern Ireland abortions herself

author avatar by 7 years ago

Theresa May thinks she can save the NHS millions by aborting unwanted foetuses herself using ‘tried and tested’ methods.

Reminding Northern Irish women that there is no such thing as a “free abortion”, May has opened up a small private clinic in an annex room at Downing Street.

May has enlisted the help of Home Secretary, Amber Rudd, who according to sources, ‘knows her way around a uterus’.

Current abortion law in Northern Ireland offers women two choices, either a termination in England at a private hospital or one back home with a knitting needle and a bottle of gin.

However, many women said the thought of Amber Rudd holding their ankles was enough to make them want to see the pregnancy through.

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May said, “Whether you are up the duff in Armagh or eating for two in Tyrone, we can save you money on your abortion in discreet surroundings.”

She added, “There is something deeply satisfying about ridding a woman of her unwanted child – such an unnecessary burden on the State.

“Think of me as The Terminator.”

Meanwhile, abortion campaigners described May’s offer as a landmark moment, if a little odd.

Abortion fan, Simon Williams, said, “For some reason she didn’t feel she could discuss this issue with the DUP.”