West Ham fans and vegetarians ‘completely safe’ as terrorists target people enjoying themselves

As terrorists aim to step up their attacks on people having a good time, large sections of British society have been declared “free of risk” in a recent lifestyle study.

Vegetarians, London Stadium spectators and every single person surviving on the disability living allowance has been given the all-clear to go about their lives as usual when it became apparent that terrorists would derive no benefit or satisfaction from ending their lives.

“Terrorists set out to create misery and tragedy in society,” said security and public safety expert Simon Williams, “and all the indications are that leaving alive those people who are tragically miserable advances their goal.”

For similar reasons, no security measures are considered necessary at stations served by Southern Rail, or on the set of any of the major TV soaps.

Prime Minister Theresa May responded to the report by saying “this makes it all the more important that people vote Conservative on Thursday.

“Five more years of Tory austerity combined with Brexit should turn the country into a place where no terrorist could be bothered to try to make things worse.”

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