Melania Trump has escaped high security at the G7 summit in Sicily and is believed to be seeking asylum in the island’s capital Palermo.
Initially turned away by the Ecuadorian embassy, Mrs Trump threw herself on the mercy of Italian government officials whilst brandishing a copy of the 1951 Geneva Convention, seeking protection from ‘persecution’.
Mrs Trump, endlessly scrubbing her hands, spoke of ‘inhuman and degrading treatment’ that contravened the 1950 European Convention on Human Rights and also ruined several mattresses.
As a Slovenian citizen, Mrs Trump is entitled to the full protection that the EU can offer, and is currently believed to be at a safe house under 24/7 armed guard.
The Pope stated that when he met Mrs Trump at the Vatican she seemed ‘troubled’.
Slow-motion analysis of video of her at that meeting has revealed her blinking ‘HELP’ in Morse Code, but sadly His Holiness thought that she was trying to say ‘KELP’, resulting in a fruitless conversation about seaweed.
The White House has denied that the president’s marriage was in trouble, with Sean Spicer tonelessly stating, “Donald Trump’s marriage is not in trouble. He has a great marriage. The best. Awesome marriage.”