Sam Allardyce to destroy ISIS

author avatar by 6 years ago

Big Sam Allardyce has retired from football to focus on fucking ISIS right up.

The formidable former football manager successfully saved Crystal Palace from relegation this season.

“And now he’s coming to save us all,” confirmed Allardyce’s agent, Simon Williams.

“Big Sam was watching the events unfold in Manchester from a pub in Bolton. He literally crushed a pint glass in his hand, said ‘Right’ and then marched out the door while humming the A-Team theme.

“You know that bit in Commando where Arnold Schwarzenegger takes his shirt off and tools up with a range of assault weapons? Well that’s exactly what Big Sam is doing in his shed right now – albeit while eating a pasty and keeping his vest on.”

Football pundit Elizabeth King said, “Yes of course women can be football pundits.

“Anyway, it’s an unusual step for Allardyce. We’d assumed he’d go on the after-dinner speaking circuit before slipping into an unfortunate gambling habit like so many of his peers.

“We certainly didn’t expect to see him stood at the front of a speedboat heading for Syria, middle fingers raised aloft while singing Rule Britannia. It’s truly inspiring.

“I hope he’s had his Weetabix. I imagine fighting an army of psycho-religious nutjobs is a bit harder than keeping Crystal Palace in the Premiership.

“Not much harder though.”