Every bathroom in Britain to receive complimentary UKIP manifesto

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The UKIP election slogan is “Soft, strong and very very long”, according to the manifesto launched today.

Bound for your convenience with more than fifty absorbent sheets, the manifesto is expected to make a splash without anyone getting bogged down in detail.

Launching the policy statement, leader Paul Nuttall described himself as flushed with pride at the size of the movement he expected the document to create.

“Our policy platform is not for the po-faced,” he told us.

“Instead we expect everyone to have a copy on the go by the end of the day.

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“We’ve responded to criticism that there are no brown faces on the cover by ensuring the distribution will result in some very quickly.

“People often pooh-pooh our policies, but I’m very confident there’s no chance of that happening this time.

“You can be confident we’ve got plenty more policies in the pipeline.”

UKIP supporters have already said they expect other parties to steal their manifesto, but only if there are none left in the other cubicles.