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Liberal tears are very high in calories which is why everyone who drinks them is fucking enormous, dieticians have confirmed.
Immensely overweight people crammed uncomfortably behind keyboards or squeezed into ill-fitting uniforms often claim to love the ‘delicious taste’ of liberal tears, and experts are considering a link between regular consumption and being really quite startlingly fat.
Scientists had initially believed there was a correlation between being a whopping, lonely chubster and a bitter resentment at people more attractive and successful than oneself, but have recently started thinking there may be a dietary component to the relationship.
“There does appear to be a direct relationship between posting about how you love the taste of ‘librul teers’ and just being the most astonishing heifer,” said Professor Simon Williams of the Department of Crikey Would You Look At The Size Of That One at Oxford University.
“What if it’s not a regular diet of takeaways, beer and pringles and a 24-hour regimen of angry typing, but instead the content of the tears themselves which makes these people so unhappily massive?” he asked.
“We estimate that to explain the sheer heft of some of these people, a glass of librul teers would have to contain more sugar by weight than Coca-Cola or a Mister Kipling lard slice.
“Our advice is to restrict yourself to only occasional glasses of tears, and instead eat more healthily and walk to the lavatory from time to time rather than just wearing an adult nappy whilst hammering out your howling failure from behind a keyboard.”
However, the suggestion has been met with anger by many Liberal Tears consumers, who have demanded that so-called ‘experts’ stop body-shaming the Master Race and respect Klan rallies as a Safe Space.
I am the liberal establishment elite (apparently) – get the t-shirt here!
