Everyone who watched Doctor Who now gay

Some five million people who watched the new episode of Doctor Who on Saturday are now gay following the show’s controversial decision to make the new assistant – Bill – a gay woman.

This figure does not include the number of people who may have watched the show via BBC iPlayer and gone gay on catch-up.

“Well, we knew that by making the character a gay woman, there was a risk that everyone who watched Doctor Who would immediately go gay,” said showrunner Steven Moffat.

“But it was more important to us to seem politically correct and trendy.”

Simon Williams was just a normal bloke who liked restoring steam engines and hardcore pornography before he watched Saturday’s episode of Doctor Who.

“It’s not on, really,” he said quietly.

“I mean, I’m not even that big of a fan. I just watched it with my tea.

“It happened almost immediately, I was watching Casualty. Well, I couldn’t be arsed to get up and get the remote.

“Anyway, normally when I watch Casualty, I quite fancy some of the women in nurses uniforms and that, but this time I found myself strangely drawn to Charlie and curious to what it would feel like to touch and hold him.

“I didn’t know what was going on, but then I realised that Doctor Who must have turned me gay.”

There are concerns now that the show’s focus on Daleks could see many fans turn into Daleks themselves, which will make many people question exactly what we pay our licence fee for.