Barack Obama’s Affordable Care Act, better known as Obamacare, is to be replaced by a comprehensive program of really, really hoping you don’t get sick.
The Obamacare replacement bill, which has yet to be passed by the Senate, would see 24 million Americans have their health insurance replaced with a positive mental attitude and being careful not to trip up on anything.
“We estimate that this could save $1.2 trillion over the next decade,” said Republican Speaker Paul Ryan.
“This money can be used to buy really nice suits and, of course, redecorate some of the offices around the Hill. I’m hoping to get a PlayStation, myself.
“Oh, and draining the swamp, naturally.”
Mr Ryan also had some advice for the millions who will no longer be able to afford to go to the hospital or to see doctors.
“Chicken soup. Chicken soup is really good if you’re sick. I also would also recommend not leaving your house, there are a lot of germs out there.
“Eating chicken soup and never going out again. I think that just those few simple changes should remove the need for something as frivolous as universal healthcare.”
President Trump was expected to make a statement on the Bill today, but is currently unwell and being tended to by six doctors and a major drug company.